(With profuse apologies to the estate of Clement Clark Moore)
Back in the day, I used to write a satirical version of this childhood yuletide classic to my newsletter subscribers. Somewhere around the millennium, I moved it to the blog here and created a contest : I start it – you guys finish it. The results were brilliant. The creative genius of my readers is truly astounding. However, the last few years things were crazy, and I got away from the practice. But 2020 being the kind of year it was, there can be no better time to restart this sacred tradition.
The best submission will receive a signed limited first edition copy my upcoming book Radical Rebirth, personalized to them – not to mention, the fame and immortality bestowed by being declared the contest winner. (This competition is closely monitored annually by all the major publishers, the Pulitzer committee and Lithuania's Got Talent.) The decisions of the judges (that would be moi) are final. Here's your set-up:
'Twas the night before Christmas, and down here in Miami;
Was reflecting on the year, sipping cocoa in my jammy.
The newscasts were dark, and the mood was depressing;
The pandemic was raging, and things were distressing.
The children were huddled snug in their beds;
While visions of ps5s danced in their heads;
Sleep eluded me, for my head it was aching;
Riddled with doubt, for the future we’re making.
When out on the street there arose such a ruckus
Alright dear reader, the rest is up to you. Hit me with your best shot and post your submissions in the comments section below. Be epic, have some fun, and reflect the year. But please try to end on a note of positivity and hope, this is a prosperity blog after all. The winner will be announced on Monday.
P.S. Here’s wishing you a joyous holiday season filled with peaceful socially distanced reunions, joyous Zoom meetings, and nonstop “Die Hard” movie viewings. LEGAL NOTICE: In light of the FTC regulations on bloggers, these wishes are subject to the following terms and conditions…
This greeting from Randy Gage (“Wishor”), to you (“Recipient”), is extended without obligation, implied or implicit, for best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically woke, gender neutral celebration of the secular winter solstice only. Any similarities to holidays celebrating the festival of lights, God, or birth of the baby Jesus are purely coincidental.
This greeting may be accepted in the context of the traditions of the religious or secular beliefs of your choice, regardless of sexual orientation or operating system preference, and is void where prohibited by law. Acceptance by the recipient does not imply any endorsements or consent by the Wishor. The good tidings expressed in this greeting are subject to further clarification or withdrawal, are revocable at the sole discretion of the Wishor, and are non transferable.
The Wishor implies no guarantee of actual results. The extent of the holiday spirit experienced will be determined by the effort recipient puts into it. The claims described are for illustration purposes only. Your results may vary. This salutation is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease, and has not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.
“Christmas” “God” and “Jesus” are registered trademarks of the Make America Great Again committee; all rights reserved.