Well Hillary & Obama seem hopelessly deadlocked on who can give away more free health care, prescriptions and goodies. And John McCain seems like a nice guy to have at your family reunion, but we’re talking about electing the leader of the (kind of) free world here.
So I’ve done the only logical thing and answered the call of my country. I am officially announcing my candidacy for president of the United States of America.
Now I reserve the right to modify the campaign later, and go for benevolent dictator of the world, but for now I’ll settle for the presidency. As there may be a few of you not familiar with my positions on the issues, here’s a synopsis of my campaign platform:
When I’m President…all trendy yuppie restaurants have to come up with a new dish to replace Chilean Sea bass.
When I’m President…all presidents who want to invade (or “liberate”) other countries must lead the charge on horseback.
When I’m President…Christmas songs cannot be played on the radio before December 15th or after noon on December 25. And people who don’t take down the Christmas lights by January 1st will be interned in special trailer parks in West Virginia.
When I’m President…Each night on the graveyard shift, the DJs on all oldies stations have to play “The Load Out/Stay” by Jackson Browne, and the long version of “American Pie.” And during the same hours each classic rock station must play “Silent Lucidity” by Queensryche and “Comfortably Numb” by Pink Floyd. Naturally all country stations must play the live version of Garth Brooks doing “Friends in Low Places” and David Allen Coe singing that positive country classic about him being drunk the day his mom got out of prison and got run over by a train.
When I’m President…Rush Limbaugh will be required to go back on drugs. And Paula Abdul must get off them.
When I’m President…The death penalty shall be abolished, except for cases of extreme transgressions such as drive through window clerks who give you the wrong order. Or people who lick their fingers when going through a salad bar. Or drivers who creep out and then are blocking the intersection when your light is green.
When I’m President…It will be illegal to manufacture nylon bicycle shorts in waist sizes larger than 34 inches. And finally,
When I’m President…The writers for the “CSI” and “Law & Order” TV shows will be required to write story lines more believable than the ridiculous ones they give us now. Something much more plausible to actually happen, like the plot of “Alien vs. Predator.”
I can’t save this country alone. I need your support. Unfortunately the campaign website where you can contribute isn’t ready yet. So in the meantime, feel free to send me PRADA gift certificates!
-RG
Reader interactions
28 Replies to “When I'm President…”
Would you settle for Dolce and Gabbana?
🙂
I am so relieved…. now I know who to vote for:)
Please outlaw,
t-shirts with stupid sayings and sweat pants in public once you become benevolent dictator of the world.
Jeanne
PS. Instead of tax breaks you can dole out Light Sabers for everyone;)
…and please, PLEASE outlaw socks with sandals 😉 !
You can count on that!
-RG
Yes! 🙂
“. . . drive through window clerks who give you the wrong order.”
How about the clerks who give you the right order but forget to give you a spoon and napkins for your drive-thru chili? THAT deserves the severest penalty!!
Rob Nyte
Is the Presidency before becoming the billionaire or after…..that would be awesome! A billionaire President! Lots of Prosperity cruises and lots of billionaires! I’ll be voting for you….
Tony Beach
To attract money, focus on wealth. It is impossible to bring more money into your life when you focus on the lack of it.
This guy Chris Tinney at the above site is deleting my comments and blogs because he’s in something called Forever Green……He actually threatened to ban me if I showed your video….
Randy. it seems being a president you’d make a whole lot of changes in education system. What would you start with?
Forget the US, come up here to Canada!
Karen
When you will be President, how you will use your Lamborghini? 😉
Also – I am not sure, is it OK to make a PBR’s in Oval Office?
Oh yeah…. make MLM network marketing and home biz marketing REQUIRED in all “educational” curricula. Also courses in green economics and entrepreneurship.
You got my vote, Fella!
Another plank should be nationalization of the entertainment industry. Micheal Moore and his ilk think we should all get “free” healthcare – fine. But just ask any Hollywood blowhard who is more important – them or your garden variety trauma surgeon? Knowing the answer to this, I guess it is obvious the nation could not survive without these people telling us how to think. I think they should all be knocked down to minimum wage for starters.
You go Randy RAGE!!! Randy RAGE for president!!! Don’t “Vote For Pedro”; “Vote For Randy RAGE”. 🙂 🙂 🙂
Instead of teaching kids WHAT to think, I would teach them HOW to think!
-RG
Finally a candidates candidate!
>When I’m President…all presidents who want to invade
>(or “liberate”) other countries must lead the charge on horseback.
Would you consider making that a donkey instead with
Dark inVador, the U(tmost) S(tupid) A(merican) President,
leading the charge by sitting on it, face to it’s tail, trying to
make it run backwards ? ;O)
Alan
Because…
At least the donkey will know which is the right direction to go!
Alan
Say My Man. Checked you out in Oahu HI back in 2004 at a company conference. Have kept and re-read and listen to your CD’s since. Your news letter is welcome and I’m glad you tuned me in to the blog section.
Keep up the good work.
your inspiring to many.
Julian
Would you consider a scientific technology to create world peace?
The side effects include people acting in accord with all the laws of nature, higher states of consciousness equal better choices.
Side effects may include but not limited to,
– improved health,
– reduction of crime rate,
– no more presidents with a C average, may have been the drugs and alcohol, then again, maybe not,
– people dressing better, watching what they eat and how they treat others,
– more intelligent radio an TV shows.
– prosperity,
-full use of the human potential.
You get results even if you are a prosperous well dressed good looking dictator.
http://www.permanentpeace.com/
Hey Randy how about Vipers for everyone!
>I reserve the right to modify the campaign later, and go for
>benevolent dictator of the world
>Instead of teaching kids WHAT to think, I would teach them HOW
>to think!
Such an Intelligent Design of the educational system would be utmost beneficiary to the Evolution of a/the Human-Kind.
One more vote in your favour. :O)
What would you start with and what books or other resources do you recommend for kids to enable them to learn how to think ?
Cheers from Spain,
Alan
I wonder. What are your plans for…
Achmed’s ?
http://youtube.com/watch?v=MugQDD2FcKQ
and
Bubba J’s ?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iMd8Pm-2EE
No!!!!! you must leave paula abdull on drugs and mandate that she take more. Drugs make her very entertaining
Your forthrightness is always refreshing. I look forward to hearing it each time I see you. President? why not?
It would be very interesting to see what changes would come from that tenancy. Maybe limit it to a term 🙂 as you’ll be nuts & in withdrawls from the L & viper.
The best
Joyce
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Could you talk Pasi Aalto into candidacy for president of
Finland? We have had presidents with his hair style
before – better than the carrot color floor mop style
we have today.
If Randy Gage will become US President, the overall wealth consciousness of America will be greatly improved.
More and more will become wealthy, prosperous, happy and smart.
There will be less simpletons and needy individuals.
I’ve never understood what might drive a person who already has everything not to enjoy pleasures of own life but to worry about saving others. “Mind your own house and the street will be fine” has always seemed reasonable to me. Of course, there should be some regulations to balance interests of different groups.
What might prevent someone from misbehavior against others or self-destructing acts — a fear of the death penalty, or a dream of wearing clothes available only in limited sizes, or of serving house specialties?
The environment shapes and determines a lot. What is broadcasted and the length of the holiday season are well-known tools for influencing social stability. I’m less certain about their impact on trade.