Once you have money—Money with a capital M—some fascinating things begin to happen…
Your popularity begins to soar. Every week, your mailbox will be stuffed with invitations to birthday parties, baby showers, bar mitzvahs, Sweet 16 celebrations, weddings, and graduations. These will arrive from long-time, treasured acquaintances like the guy who installed your cable service and the bag boy at the supermarket. Distant cousins will hit you up to invest in their “can’t miss” new venture selling Bus Bench Advertising in Beirut. Other friends and relatives will appeal for your support to finance their new charity providing homes for unwed llamas. You’ll be receiving GoFundMe links to an endless stream of campaigns to save humanity by helping finance tree houses, man cave remodeling projects, and boob jobs.
You probably spend a lot of time each morning swishing the mouthwash, fixing your hair, and selecting some nice clothes to present yourself to the world. But alas, to many people this effort will be wasted, because to them, you still look like an ATM.
So how can you best navigate through this new dynamic?
First, recognize that some people are professional victims. Being unhappy makes them happy, because it allows them to play the victim card and receive certain types of emotional payoffs. For many, this becomes their identity, and they draw their sense of esteem from this. They’re continuously asking for money from you because they are continuously manifesting situations where they are seemingly the innocent victim. (I know this because I used to be one. In my case, I was such an emotional cripple and hated myself so much, I couldn’t accept love. In its place I substituted the attention and sympathy I received by always having drama and trauma in my life.)
At first, helping them out seems like the natural and prosperous way to respond. Unfortunately, this just reinforces the feedback loop. They create a calamity, you respond with attention, empathy, sympathy, caring, and of course, money—and then they start the process all over again. When you have people like this in your life, you can lovingly suggest self-development resources like podcasts, books, or this blog. But know that none of them will have an impact until the victim grows tired of being a victim. You’ll run out of money before they run out of tragedies.
People in this situation honestly believe they are innocent victims and have nothing to do with the ongoing drama they attract – and they simply can’t understand your unwillingness to help them again and again. As a result, you might find yourself being categorized as uncaring, selfish, or greedy.
In situations like this, be willing to let this happen. Love them and let them grow. Fund the scenarios you’re comfortable funding and gently but lovingly refuse the rest. Maybe they break out, maybe they don’t, but this has nothing to do with you or their perception of you.
You’re also going to attract other perpetual victims, but these people are also master manipulators. They have no shame, and will employ any method of guilt, gaslighting, or even deceit to try to manipulate you into bailing them out of all the poor decisions they make in life. They’re constantly coming to you with emergencies like getting evicted, gambling debts, and wages being garnished because they didn’t pay the child support. And if you aren’t willing to bail them out, they start running rackets on you…
They might say that you have so much wealth that the help they’re asking for is meaningless to you. (Terrible premise.) Or they say things like, “If you were a good Christian (Buddhist, Jew, etc.) you would do this for me.” Or they will suggest that you will be the person responsible for the bad consequences they will suffer because of their actions. Or they might propose that these are loans which they will pay back, even if there have been 813 previous loans defaulted on.
We all fuck up occasionally, and if you have the resources to provide a “get out of jail free” card to rescue someone every now and then, by all means, do it. Sometimes an act of kindness like this makes a huge impact on someone’s life and can be a catalyst for turning things around. And it’s just nice to help others when you can.
But when someone keeps coming back to the well using manipulation techniques, it’s time to draw the line.
If I reach the breaking point, I’ll say something like, “I am going to give you this money, but you cannot ever pay me back. It’s your final grant from the Randy Gage Foundation. Hopefully, you will find a way to pay it forward sometime in the future. But I must advise you that this is the last time I am willing to do this. If you should ever ask me for financial help again, I will end the conversation immediately.” And I do.
They may try two or three more times, but eventually they stop asking, which usually means the relationship is done. Be okay with that. (Or else we need to work on your self-esteem.)
Then there is a final group, usually family members or other loved ones. You might care deeply for someone and recognize that they simply do not have the mental faculties or social skills to keep up in today’s world. Some people just don’t possess the self-awareness, resilience, or coping mechanisms required in difficult situations. Most importantly, these are not people who feel entitled, and they don’t try to guilt or manipulate you. They’re metaphorically adrift at sea, desperately hoping someone will come along and rescue them.
Situations like this allow you to practice the circulation law of prosperity. Give as you feel moved to, without expecting recognition or repayment. Just know that this makes the world – and your soul – richer.
Peace,
- RG
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Sage advice Randy.. my gal always seems to have some drama at work or one of her co-workers, when I get tired of hearing it, I start singing Drama Queen, set to Abba's Dancing Queen.. you are the drama queen, perfect that whine, vent that spleen, dig in with the drama queen.. after a couple of bars of that it's usually enuff to quell the complaints for a while.. cheers Napa David
Love this so much but I really want is to be invited to the next llama wedding.
I’m not sure this would ever happen. An unwed llama would forego its benefits if it were to marry
Just a comment from a boredom kicker, scrolling social media:
Becoming an “ATM” is the result of one’s ability to do sth really well through cultivated skills and qualities. It shows that a person is more than an “empty box.” “Walking ATMs,” when they put in effort, are often good-looking and interesting people. With more resources, there’s more time to keep the body fit and enrich the soul. Naturally, such people become attractive not only to the unwed llama, but to others in general. Yet “ATMs,” though they accumulate resources, are not open for withdrawal by just anyone. Trying to manipulate their security system is a waste of time. The poor, I think, are those who are more likely to give away their last. They’re easier to manipulate — and perhaps a few tips on how to say “no" would be helpful to them.
Genius headline! Great copy!
Sage advice Randy.. my gal always seems to have some drama at work or one of her co-workers, when I get tired of hearing it, I start singing Drama Queen, set to Abba's Dancing Queen.. you are the drama queen, perfect that whine, vent that spleen, dig in with the drama queen.. after a couple of bars of that it's usually enuff to quell the complaints for a while.. cheers Napa David
Love this so much but I really want is to be invited to the next llama wedding.
I’m not sure this would ever happen. An unwed llama would forego its benefits if it were to marry
Just a comment from a boredom kicker, scrolling social media:
Becoming an “ATM” is the result of one’s ability to do sth really well through cultivated skills and qualities. It shows that a person is more than an “empty box.” “Walking ATMs,” when they put in effort, are often good-looking and interesting people. With more resources, there’s more time to keep the body fit and enrich the soul. Naturally, such people become attractive not only to the unwed llama, but to others in general. Yet “ATMs,” though they accumulate resources, are not open for withdrawal by just anyone. Trying to manipulate their security system is a waste of time. The poor, I think, are those who are more likely to give away their last. They’re easier to manipulate — and perhaps a few tips on how to say “no" would be helpful to them.
Genius headline! Great copy!