Randy's Rants

2009, Get the Hell Out of Here!
By Randy Gage
Jan 1, 2010, 12:32

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Well as we segue into another New Year, it's always a good idea to reflect back on the year that just ended, and discern the lessons we have learned. And since many of you have alcohol and drug issues and can't remember what happened last week, I thought I'd be helpful and provide you with a recap.

On January 1st, the Czech Republic took over the presidency of the European Union from France. This set American geography teachers in a frantic scramble to teach their students where Europe was located.

Of course January started here in the States with tremendous CHANGE, as we inaugurated President Barack Obama to fulfill his mandate of new ideas and change from the past.

To ensure the ideas were new and different, he assembled a cabinet of people with new ideas never seen in Washington before. These included Attorney General Eric Holder (from the Clinton administration), Secretaries Shaun Donovan (from the Clinton administration), Hilda Solis (who has served in congress for the last nine years), former Congressman Ray LaHood, Robert Gates (from the Bush & Reagan administrations), and Timothy Geithner (who worked in three previous administrations). Also helping in the orgy of new ideas were fresh Washington faces Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton.

In February this group of original thinkers immediately went to work on brand new concepts that no one had ever thought of before, such as taxing productive workers more, socialized health care, and printing billions of extra dollars to devalue the currency in an effort to stimulate the economy. This revolutionary new stimulus plan was best described by economists as "nine wolves and a sheep, voting on what to have for dinner."

In March the President of Madagascar, Marc Ravalomanana, is overthrown in a coup d'etat, following a month of rallies in Antananarivo. The United Nations calls an emergency session to try and discover where Madagascar is.

Also in March, football player Donte Stallworth kills a pedestrian while driving drunk. In a plea bargain deal, he receives community service and 30 days in jail. Later in the year, Plaxico Burress is sentenced to two years in prison for accidentally shooting himself in the leg. The lesson we learn is, ah, well, ah, I'm not exactly sure what lesson we learned from this.

In April, the big story is the swine flu. The disease is deemed a global pandemic since it kills almost as many people as the normal winter flu does, and newspaper sales are down. Thousands of travelers don surgical masks to travel on planes. (In related news, millions of people have died from AIDS and no one will wear a condom.)

In May, Wayne Allwine died. Now if the name isn't familiar, Wayne was the voice of Mickey Mouse. He is survived by his wife Russi Taylor, who is the current voice of Minnie Mouse. (Really.) Which means maybe perhaps those cartoons were not fiction after all?

Also in May, the Sri Lankan Civil War ends after more than a quarter-century of fighting, former President of South Korea Roh Moo-hyun, under investigation for alleged bribery commits suicide, and North Korea announces that it has conducted a second successful nuclear test. But the big news of course, is Adam Lambert coming in runner up on American Idol.

In June, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is reelected as the president of Iran. There are murmurs of election discrepancies, as deceased Chicago boss Richard Daley delivers 21 electoral votes from Illinois. Ron Paul pulls 7%.

On June 25, the Internet breaks down; overloaded by the death of pop icon Michael Jackson.

On July 1st, Sweden assumed the presidency of the European Union. American geography teachers scramble to teach their students what country Sweden is located in.

Also this month, the US government introduces a "cash for clunkers" program to get older gas guzzling auto off the road. As a patriotic American I am participating in the program zealously. If you send me your old Vipers, Lamborghini's and Ferrari's, I will replace them with Toyota hybrids.

Also in July, Sarah Palin announces she will be stepping down as governor of Alaska to concentrate on her marriage infidelities, out of wedlock pregnant daughter, and family values agenda.

In a sign of just how desperate the Republicans are, many party stalwarts actually suggest she is a viable future presidential candidate. Really. Stock in NBC goes up in anticipation of higher ratings for Saturday Night Live. In related news, Marge Simpson's layout in Playboy generates more interest than Levi Johnson's spread in Playgirl.

In August, I was quite busy sending out tweets on my Twitter account, so I'm not sure if anything actually happened that month.

September marked the end of several more notable lives. One was Norman Borlaug who was an agronomist, humanitarian and Nobel Laureate. Borlaug introduced high-yield, disease resistant wheat to avoid famines in Mexico, Pakistan and India and was responsible for improving food production in Africa and Asia. He single-handedly saved billions, yes that is billions with a 'B,' of people from starvation. If you missed the write up about him, that's because the media was fixated on the demise of more important people like David Carradine, Bea Arthur and Farrah Fawcett.

And speaking of celebrity deaths, in September Patrick Swayze actually did go to that big pottery wheel in the sky. He was remembered in a beautiful memorial service until it was interrupted by Kanye West, who proclaimed, "I'm a gonna let you finish and all, but Michael Jackson had a better funeral."

Then in October, U.S. President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. In related news, Hannibal Lecter wins for best weight loss recipes and "Snakes on a Plane" takes the Academy Award for Best Picture.

In November the "boys of summer" proved that baseball owners are the greediest in sports, as the World Series is played in snow, sleet, and sub-zero temperatures. The Series is won by the NY Yankees. We learn that you can't buy a championship, but a $220 million payroll certainly can't hurt.

In December a global warming conference is held in Copenhagen to solve our climate issues. Attendees arrive via 140 private jets and use more than 2,000 limos during the event.

Over the Christmas holiday a terrorist attempts to blow up a plane bound for Detroit. The TSA jumps into action, placing new rules in effect that restrict people going to the bathroom or accessing luggage for the last hour of flights. All future terrorists give up any other attacks because of the inconvenience.

But of course the big news of the year isn't the wars, the economic crisis, or any of the above -- but the Tiger Woods situation.

Once again Tiger demonstrates why he's a top achiever, showing that making a billion dollars, being at the top of your sport, and having a beautiful, loving wife and children is no excuse to get complacent and settle.

Unfortunately for him, the public perception of his striving for more leads to the loss of many of his sponsorship and endorsement deals. Most notable is the cancellation of his namesake energy drink from Gatorade after the company decides the tagline, "Tiger juice - is it in you?" is problematic.

The lesson we learned from all this was the difference between Tiger and Santa: Namely that Santa stopped after three "Ho's."

That's it, I'm out of material. Actually, all kidding aside, 2009 was my best year ever and I hope yours as well. It's been wonderful sharing it all with you.

The new economy presents many challenges, but also has equivalent opportunities. There has never been a more exciting time to be alive, and 2010 has the promise of another breakthrough year. Thanks for connecting with me through these Rants, the blog, Twitter (http://twitter.com/Randy_Gage), Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/randygage) and YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/randygage).

I love being on this journey of growth, adventure and prosperity with all of you. Best wishes for an amazing New Year, and New You!

-RG

© MMXI Randy Gage. All Rights Reserved.

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